This is most likely my last post on Blogger, once I've found some time I'll check out some other blogging platforms. But anyway, let's get on to the topic that I wanted to talk about.
Only just recently I decided to thoroughly talk about my current feelings face-to-face (sort of) with someone, instead of going my cowardly route of hiding behind a computer screen or my phone. And I'm glad I did that because I got instant feedback, real feedback, instead of ambiguous words. It is kind of my thing this year, to force myself out of my comfort zone, which usually comprises of dim light and solitary. That means I'm putting myself out there, choosing the times to be introvert or extrovert, however little my extrovert qualities that exist. Progress is progress though.
So there were a couple of things talked about, and I think it's not harmful to me if I posted my afterthoughts here, and I also do not expect a lot of traffic to this blog, but I'd rather write it here than in my own journal as the audience would not be just me.
One of the things that struck me slightly hard were perceptions of me. Now I understand I have no control over how people decide to perceive me, but I am curious how I managed to paint that perception.
For instance, a lot of people perceive me as a goody goody two shoes. I do not deny it, I love not getting into pointless trouble, wasting pointless time (mine and others), and pointless risks. But does that mean I'm pushover? That I will follow blindly just to avoid trouble or confrontation? It depends on the situation. What may look like me following blindly, was actually me following with every other senses heightened. Especially on things that I believe are petty and will not have any impact in the long term. When there are things that I know for sure is the right thing to do and are very important to me, you would be damn sure I'm putting my foot down.
Now I'm an emotional guy, I guarantee you that I would get teary eyes reading or watching sad family relationship stories or even amazing romance movies (not cheesy ones). How am I able to guarantee that? Because these two kinds of stories strikes a chord with me. Makes my mind race. So how do you look at a guy who tears up about things that are important to him? Is he weak? Is he not 'manly' enough? Chinese proverb saying : Guys bleed, but never cry. Again, depends on what he actually does. If all he does is cry and let emotions fill him up to the point where he cannot control himself or does not know what to do afterwards. Maybe. But what if he appreciates the lessons, made his emotions his assets instead of liability, giving him inspiration to be a better man, husband or father, will crying in the theater still mean he's weak and vulnerable? unable to be depended upon when the time comes? Trolls be saying: ' man, suck it up!' but I tend to agree with them that shortening the time of crying is important. It's all about showing you are in control of your emotions. A deep breath in while looking up and quick exhale through the mouth is usually what I do when I feel tears coming up.
I only have a couple of outfits in my closet. I always try not to spend too much on things I don't need. Some guilty pleasures fine, but I really could not care less about what I wear, or having a wide variety and do not feel the need to always update my wardrobe to the newest fashion and what not because the money is not mine. The money belongs to my parents. The money spent on me by my parents is too much. Too much were invested in bringing me to London that yielded no immediate return. Does a guy who doesn't buy much with his parents' money and tries to cut cost at times a cheap person who doesn't know how to live? I wouldn't think so. Maybe he is just trying to maximize the satisfaction that he'll get when he is able to buy things with his own hard earned money.
This brings me to another point, recently I've been called a studyholic, hardworking person, someone who is putting his career at the top of his priorities, and everything else is not as important and therefore I would be spending less time time on other things than studies, or do not have any time left for other things. Sure, I can see that view, but why would I want to put my career on top? Because it affects every question that I have. Where will I live? How will I live? Am I able to pursue my interests? Should I get to have a family of my own? How will my own family fare in the future? How will my parents be when they're no longer able to work for themselves?
So, does putting my career on top means I have to deprive myself of everything else that do not have anything to do with it? That includes social interactions like love. Nope. To me it's all about time management, long term investment, and sacrifices. If I were to only care about studies and work, what kind of person would I become after studies? A freaking lonely ass virtual intelligence robot. Doing things that needed to be done with countless protocols and no free will. Screw that.
On the topic of love, I always like the idea of growing together with a significant other (SO). I prefer the idea of yin and yang over having a large grey area between black and white. I will be selfish and say that I generally get attracted to someone with a personality that is opposite of me because these are the people that will help me grow as a person and show me the other side of the world, and vice versa, I would love to show my side of the world with the SO. Since I'm the introvert, does that mean extrovert has to do all the teaching? All the inviting to events? No. I have odd interests I guess for an introvert. I would love it if the SO wants me to at least try their interest a few times, whatever those may be, instead of immediately assume I do not want to join in and think I may be a nuisance. I would be ecstatic if the SO would want to join me for my interest in the future, like getting a diving licence, learning to surf, snowboarding, skydiving, base jumping, dolphin/whale watching. but of course not just action stuff, how about orchestras, theater, plays, museum exhibitions, and if nothing else, days of quiet with deep conversations and companionship.
I'm just like this. Am I bullshitting? Maybe, maybe not. Not for me to decide how you perceive me.
Have a good one everybody :)
